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Pirates vs Ninjas
Chapter one: The pirate plan. Captain Jack Knife: Argh, mateys! Them ninjas have been stealin' our stuff long enough! Lets raid 'em! Pirate Bob: Are you crazy? Those ninjas have every square inch of their planet booby-trapped. We'll never get close enough to steal our things back. Rolly Joger: Maybe we could use creativity and imagination to reclaim our booty. Captain Jack Knife: We're pirates! We never use imagination and creativity. We never use our brains, for that matter. Pirate lookout: Look out! NINJAS! Pirate Bob: Run! Ninjas! Captain Jack Knife: Into the ship, mateys! Blast the ninjas with the cannon! Black-hearted Kevin: We're out of cannonballs! Captain Jack Knife: Fire Diablo Phil at 'em! Black-hearted Kevin: He won't fit... besides, that's a stupid idea. We need Phil. He's the brawler, after all. Pirate Bob: Will Morty Mizzenmast fit? Black-hearted Kevin: Maybe. Ninja: They are on the ship! Shall we board it? Ninja leader: Board it! Ninja: Prepare the board! The ninjas ram a giant board into the ship* Pirate Bob: We're sinking! Chapter two: Hang-gliding pirates? Jack Knife: Get out the hang gliders, mateys! The pirates get on their hang gliders and begin flying away* Ninja Tashi: They are escaping! Ninja leader: Not for long! Fire the cannon! Ninja Tashi: The cannon is on the ship, sir. Ninja leader: Then retrieve it! Ninja Tashi: It is not that easy. It is very heavy. Ninja leader: Then get the rest of the ninjas to get it off the ship. Ninja Steve: Sir! The ship sank and the pirates escaped! Ninja leader: Steve, you fool! You should've shot holes in the hang gliders with your bow! Ninja Tashi: Please do not give Steve a hard time. He is a horrible shot. If he tried to shoot the pirates down, it would've gone straight backward. Ninja Steve: Hey! Cut the flattery, will ya? It would've gone straight DOWN, not backward! Ninja leader: Okay, I rest my case. Now, get those pirates! Chapter three: "Run fer yar life! Them ninjas got F-22s!" Pirate Bob: Captain Jack, we escaped! WE'RE ALIVE! Morty Mizzenmast: Hey, Bob's right! Captain Jack Sparrow: Hey! I'm the REAL Captain Jack! Pirate Bob: Sorry, Captain Jack. I was referring tto Captain Jack Knife. Captain Jack Sparrow: Alrighty. I'll leave now. Captain Jack Sparrow leaves* Pirate Fred: Captain Jack Knife, we have something on sensors. Captain Jack Knife: We got sensors on these hang-gliders? Cool. Pirate Fred: Sir, we have F-22s on the sensors. Captain Jack Knife: What's an F-22? Pirate Fred: A very fast jet. They're closing in on us! Morty Mizzenmast: Hey! There's ninjas in them F-22s! Ninja: Master, the pirates are directly ahead. Fire missiles? Ninja Master: Fire all missiles! Pirate Bob: The ninjas are firing! Go land on that there island! The pirates land safely on the island and avoid the missiles* Pirate Bob: Hurray! WE'RE ALIVE! Morty Mizzenmast: Isn't that the second time you said that today? Pirate Fred: Yeah. Hey, anyone seen Diablo Phil? Chapter four: Kumquats, Guavas, and Phil. Fred: So, anyone seen Phil? Jack Knife: Naw. Mebby he landed somewhere else. Phil: Guys! I'm up here! Bob: Phil! How did you get in that tree? Phil: I crashed. Hey, Bob! I found food! Jack Knife: Yup, we did need food. Phil: You may not like it. Try this. Phil drops a small orange object down from the tree* Jack Knife: What's this? Phil: A kumquat. Try it. Jack Knife: *CHOMP* Blech! It's nasty! Got anything else? Phil: Try this. Phil drops another fruit from the tree* Phil: It's a guava. Jack Knife: *CHOMP* It's terrible! Phil: You must have bitten the core, with that huge CHOMP. Try eating the outside only. Jack Knife: All righty. Hey, it's pretty good! Bob climbs up another tree* Bob throws a kumquat at Phil* Phil: Hey! Watch where you throw those! Bob throws another* Phil: This here calls fer SUPREEM retaliatin'! Phil throws a guava at Bob* Bob: Ouch! The other pirates climb trees and begin throwing fruit at each other* Jack Knife: Oh boy... Hey! Stop the fighting! Bob: Captain, come up and try this! It's fun! Jack Knife climbs the tree and participates in the fruit-fight* Jack Knife: Hey, it is fun! Bob: What's that on the horizon... Ninjas? All the pirates get horrified looks on their faces* Chapter Q278: Sentinels can't comprehend Quantum Theory. Stunning. Bob: Run! We're all gonna die! Random pirate gets hit by a watermelon* Jack Knife: Hey, them ninjas ain't usin' lasers. They're usin' watermelon guns! Bob: We ain't gonna die! Hooray! The ninjas begin flying away* Ninja Steve: Drat! We brought the watermelon guns, not the kumquat rays! Blast! Ninja Zashi: Hey what's that space-fleet doing behind us... Sentinels? Sentinel Pilot: Get those ninjas! Zashi: Augh! RETREEEEEEEAT!! Steve: Provide radio interference! Ninja Mashi (over the radio): Hey Sentinels! Ever heard of relativity? Sentinel Pilot: No, why? Mashi: Ever heard of Quantum Theory? Sentinel Pilot: No... Care to explain it? Mashi: Stunning. It's where energy is passed around in little packets call Quanta. Sentinel Pilot: And this has to do with... What? Mashi: That's what I'm gonna turn you in to! Mashi fires watermelons at the Sentinel ships! Sentinel Pilot: Arrrrgh! My fresh paint job! The Sentinels fly away* Ninja Leader: Well, the Sentinels are gone... Where did the pirates go? Zashi: Umm.... Chapter six: Pirates of the (Ant)arctic. Pirate Fred: Are we lost? Jack Knife: Naw. We're in the Arctic, for shore. Pirate Bob: Explain why I'm seeing penguins, Captain. Jack Knife: Yar hallucinatin'. We're in the Arctic. Pirate Bob: Penguins are only in the ANTARCTIC. Pirate Fred: Those might be puffins... Diablo Phil: ...Which are Antarctic... Pirate Fred: Puffins are Arctic! Now, back to the original question: ARE WE LOST? Jack Knife: I already answered that question! Pirate Bob: Incorrectly! Those are Penguins, not puffins. Jack Knife: THIS IS INSUBORDINATION! Morty Mizzenmast: WAMPA! RUN! Jack Knife: Hey, we ain't in the Arctic or the Antarctic! WE'RE ON HOTH! Pirate Bob: Blast! How'd we end up here? Diablo Phil: I dunno. Pirate Bob: Oh, well. Is there any food here? Morty Mizzenmast: The Wampa is closing in! Run to that base! All the pirates run to the base, but find something interesting...* Chapter seven: How pirates and ninjas changed the flow of history - Part 1. The pirates run through the base, and eventually find Han Solo* Jack Knife: Mister Solo, we was thinkin' about borrowin' some ships. We need to defeat them ninjas. Princess Leia: Oh no you don't! I like ninjas. Don't you dare attack the ninjas! Jack Knife: Can we at least borrow some ships to get offa this here ice ball of a planet? Han Solo thinks for a minute* Fine, we'll loan you some ships. How many? Jack Knife: Two fit in each one... We'll need ten. Han Solo: Okay, that'll be... Princess Leia: You're reverting to your bounty hunter phase! Just loan them the ships. For free. Han Solo: All right, all right. Take your ships, pirates. Rebel Scout: Sir, fiery missiles are colliding with the planet! The planet will melt! Han Solo: Everyone! Into your ships! The pirates and Rebels escape the planet* Jack Knife: Whew, I thought we were done for there. Ninja Tashi: The pirates are escaping! Ninja Leader: Get them! Ninja Steve: Hey, another space fleet... Imperials? Darth Vader: Hold it right there, Rebels. Hey... what happened to the planet? Ninja Tashi: We're not Rebels. The Rebels and pirates escaped the planet while we melted it. Darth Vader: You melted the planet? YOU FOOLS! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE TRIED TO TRACK THEM DOWN? HOURS AND HOURS OF PLANNING DOWN THE DRAIN! 600 CUPS OF COFFEE, WASTED! ALL BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR PETTY FEUD WITH THE PIRATES! Ninja Leader: We know where they went. Darth Vader: Really? Where did they go? Ninja Leader: Mustafar. They wanted to mine for fuel to continue their trip. Darth Vader: Thanks! The Imperial fleets leaves* Ninja Tashi: Nice save, Master. Where did they actually go? Ninja Leader: I'm not sure. But, we do have them out of our hair... for a while. Chapter 8 How the Pirates and the Ninjas Changed the Flow of History - Part 2.= Jack Knife: Rebels, thanks fer savin' us from them there ninjas. We'll be on our way. Han Solo: Bye. Stay out of trouble. The Pirates return to Gnarled Forest* Ninja Leader: Fellow ninja, we have disposed of the Imperials but we still have a problem. Ninja Mashi: What is that? Ninja Leader: The Pirates have escaped. Ninja Tashi: Curses! Now what will we do? Ninja Leader: Find the Rebels. Tashi: The Rebels? How will that help us? Ninja Leader: With any luck, they will know there the Pirates went. Tashi: Aha... Ninja Leader: We're wasting time. Let us go. The Ninjas arrive at the Rebel base on Yavin 4* Ninja Leader: Hello, Rebels. Tell us where the Pirates have gone, or else. Han Solo: Or else what? Ninja Leader: We reveal your location to Darth Vader. Han Solo: Hmm... Tashi: Well? Make up your mind! Chapter Nine: How the Pirates and the Ninjas changed the flow of history - Part 3. Han Solo: Well... They went to Gnarled Forest. There ya go, now beat it. Ninja Leader: Thank you. Tashi: Finally! Now, let's get off this rock. The Ninjas leave Yavin 4 and return to Forbidden Valley* Tashi: Master, we must attack the Pirates. Ninja Leader: Indeed. They have stolen our most prized possession: Forbidden Cherries. Ninja! Prepare for attack! The ninjas grab their katanas and board their airships* Pirate Bob: Augh! The ninjas! Run! Ninja Leader: Attack! The Pirates throw assorted fruits at the ninja* Tashi: Quick! Launch the banana-rangs! Mashi: No need to tell me twice! Fire! The ninja launch their banana-rangs* Jack Knife: FOOD FIGHT! Pirate Fred: Yahoo! The food-fight goes on for hours* Chapter ten: The Battle continues. Pirate Bob: Retreat, ye ninjas! *Throws a cucumber at a ninja* Tashi: An insult! Ninja, fire the cannons! Pirate Fred: Cannons? What cannons? Oh! REAL CANNONS! RUN!!!! Captain Jack Knife: No, we ain't runnin'. We can hold off these pesky ninjas. Random pirate gets smashed by a cannonball* Jack Knife: I've got a better idea. RUUUUN!!!! The Pirates work together and quickly assemble a pirate ship* Jack Knife: Set sail, mateys! Tashi: Master, they're escaping! Ninja Leader: Indeed. Quick, build a boat, ninja! The ninjas construct a Chinese Junk* Jack Knife: Accelerate the ship, ye scurvy dogs! The ninjas are catchin' up! Diablo Phil: Where're we goin' anyway? Jack Knife: A secret island not far from here. There, we can signal for pick-up by the Venture League. Diablo Phil: Hey... The ninja ship just passed us. But look, their engine's on fire! Pirate Bob: It ain't on fire. They got jet engines on that thing! They're crazy! The ninja ship explodes* Tashi: Well, Master, hopefully we're close enough to shore to swim there. Ninja Leader: Ninja! Grab pieces of wood from the ship! Chapter eleven: Venture vs. Paradox. The Pirates land on a nearby island* Jack Knife: Whewee! Wasn't that excitin'! Pirate Bob: Yeah... but... LOOK! A PARADOX ATTACK CRUISER! Rolly Jodger: Run for it, boys! Them ninjas' got turrets! Pirate Fred: We could really use a... Pirate Bob: VENTURE CRUISER! SPACESHIP! Pirate Fred: Hey! You interru... a VENTURE CRUISER! WE'RE SAVED! The Pirates are beamed onto the Venture Cruiser* Hael Storm: Well I'll be. Them Pirates! Jack Knife: Hael! Ya saved us! Thanks. Hael: Well, time to go. Warp 8.7! ENGAGE! Put, put, sputterpt* Hael: I said, ENGAGE! Rolly Jodger: Are we out of fuel? Hael: Of course not. Just a minute. Hael walks to engineering and checks the fuel amount* Hael walks back to the bridge* Hael: Well, we're out of fuel. Pirate Bob: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! Chapter Twelve: Rock Monsters. Pirate Bob: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! Hael Storm: I think we could open a hyperspace window and... Jack Knife: LESS TALKIN', MORE DOIN'! JUST DO IT! The Venture League ship enters hyperspace* Pirate Fred: AHH! WE'RE HEADING RIGHT FOR THAT MOUNTAIN! The Venture league ship exits hyperspace, then crashes into something* Hael Strom: Well, we're all alive. Pirate Bob: Speak fer yoreself. Jack Knife: Where is we, anyway? Hael Storm: It appears we're in some kinda cave. Pirate Fred (in a whisper): Hush, guys! What is that thing? Fred points to a rock-like glowing object* Rolly Jodger: Rock Monster. Critter that digs around in caves lookin' for crystals. Pirate Bob: Yikes! Let's get put of here! Hael Storm: We're stuck in these caves. The ship didn't plow through any rocks 'cause we was in hyperspace. Jack Knife walks forward to the Rock Monster* Jack Knife: Howdy, feller. Me and my friends got lost in these caves and we gotta get out. Rock Monster: *Burp* Grunt. Jack Knife: Grunt gruntity gurrump. Rock Monster: Grunt? Grrrunt. *Burp* Gurrunt. The Rock Monster points to a tunnel and walks toward it* Pirate Bob: What does he want? Jack Knife: I think we better follow him. Chapter Thirteen: Dingy tunnels, earth ninja, and bad luck. The Rock Monster walks into a tunnel, and the Pirates follow him* Pirate Bob: It stinks in here! This is worse than the local DMV office! Pirate Fred: Nah, about the same. Hey Cap'n, can ya ask your Rock Monster friend to tell us where we are? Captain Jack Knife: Alrighty. Grrump geipr guqump? Rock Monster: Grrughum DMV Groffitz. Jack Knife: We're passing by the Rock Monster DMV office. Pirate Bob: Ugh... Pirate Fred. Yech. This can't get much worse. The Rock Monster and Pirates keep walking for a while* Pirate Bob: Say, what are these sticky clumps all around here? Where are we? Jack Knife: Grrump geipr guqump? Rock Monster: Grrughum grublikh gristrums. Jack Knife: The Rock Monster Public Restrooms. Pirate Fred: Well, Bob, it got worse. So sue me. Bob passes out* Jack Knife: Phil, couldja carry Bob for the rest of the way? Diablo Phil: It's Diablo Phil. Say it right. Jack Knife: All right, DIABLO Phil, couldja carry Bob the rest of the way? Diablo Phil: Shore thang. Phil, whose first name is actually Diablo, picks up Bob* Rolly Joger: Hey, he's leading us into a room, with no tunnels leading through i- Pirate Fred: NINJAS! Earth Ninja Leader: EARTH ninja. Remember the element, and drop the 's'. Rolly Joger: Whatever. Earth Ninja Leader: So, answer one question: What're you boys doin' down here? Hael Storm: Takin' a tour. What're you doin' down here? Earth Ninja Leader: I live here. Jack Knife: Actually, we crashed a spaceship and landed here. Earth Ninja Leader: Well, I might let you out... If you can survive the challenge. Chapter Fourteen: The Ninja's Challenge. Jack Knife: Well, what's yer challenge? Earth Ninja Leader (ENL): Follow me. The ENL leads the Pirates toward a noisy room* ENL: Here we are. Rolly Jodger: Pie? PIE! THIS IS WONDERFUL! ENL: Not really, ya see. The aforementioned challenge is to eat twenty-four o' these pies in one sittin'. Jack Knife: Hold up. Does we all have to do it? 'Cause Bob passed out, and Fred has a weak sto- ENL: No, just one o' ya. Jack Knife: Awright, boys, who'll it be? Each pirate points to another pirate* Jack Knife: Don't do that! We ain't gonna git nowhere doin' that. Rolly Jodger: I'll do it. Jack Knife: You sure? Rolly Jodger: Just as long as the nickname "Roly Poly" doesn't stick. Chapter Fifteen: Out of the Frying-pan, into the Fire(s)... of Mordor. Earth Ninja Leader: Take a seat, Pirate. Roly Pol- I mean, Rolly Jodger, takes a seat* ENL: Ready, set... GO!! Rolly eats two pies in one bite for twelve seconds* ENL's jaw drops to the floor* Hael Storm: Can we go now? ENL just sits and stares at Rolly* Hael Storm: Well? WELL??? ENL: Ummm... OK! This way. ENL leads the pirates out of the caves* ENL: Goodbye. I'll e-mail ya when one of us beats that record. Which ain't gonna be for a while. Jack Knife: Bye, Ninja. ENL: EARTH NINJA! GET IT RIGHT! The Pirates begin walking in unfamiliar territory* Diablo Phil: Man, he's picky. Hael Storm: You're one to talk. Diablo Phil: You want a fight? 'Cause yer askin' fer a fight. Hael: Yes I do. Draw yer sword. Diablo Phil: I don't got one. Hael: What? No sword? Diablo Phil: No, Ah don't! Do the words that are floating above my head, "Pirate Brawler," mean anything to you?! Morty Mizzenmast: Break it up, mateys. Hael: No, they don't, Phil! Diablo Phil: DIABLO PHIL! Morty Mizzenmast: BREAK IT UP. Diablo Phil and Hael Storm: NO! Morty Mizzenmast: Okay, fight all ya want. Be my guest. Jack Knife: Say, anyone got an idea where we are? Pirate Fred: Heck, I dunno. Jack Knife: Let's look for landmarks. What do you boys see? Hael: Mountains. Fred: Volcanoes. Diablo Phil: Lava. Pirate Bob wakes up and looks around* Bob: Hey, what's up with thet giant gate? Hael: Even weirder, check out that tower. It's got a giant flaming eye on top o' it. Fred: I think we're in- All the Pirates: MORDOR!! Category:Comedies Category:Current Gameplay Era Category:Stories Based on NPCs